Do we really live in a prudish society?
Even a simple sentence like “we live in a prudish society” has a very complex background. One important reason for this might be lack of education. If we look closely, we will see that in many countries, sexual education, birth control, family planning or raising children is still not a part of the national curriculum. Although we live in the 21st century, children often turn to each other for information about sex and their own bodies.
Why do we need to break this prudish attitude in society? For one thing, children may easily find things on the internet that they will not tell their parents because of the prudishness they experience. Just give it a try: type the word “vagina” into Google and see the results for yourself. It will probably make you wonder whether it is worth talking to our children about the naked truth or let the internet do it instead.
Can we walk around at home naked? When will it become less natural for a child?
Speaking of naked truth: many people have asked me whether they can spend time at home without clothes on. There was also a mother who was afraid to leave her two-year-old daughter in the bathtub with a boy of the same age. Well, the spectrum is wide on how families regard the topic: some feel totally natural about being naked, others forbid their loved ones even to be without T-shirt and trousers.
It’s important to know that children start to feel uncomfortable about the naked human body around age 8. This is also the time when they start asking questions about the detailed difference between girls and boys. While at age 3, they only ask why their parents pee in different places, at age 8 they are interested in giving birth, kissing, sex and the baby.
Sometimes parents are worried about their daughters earlier than their sons. When they have a little girl, they stop talking about nakedness and stop walking around without clothes in front of her sooner.
Unfortunately, this makes girls’ lives harder. Most parents don't realise that by letting their little daughter paint her nails, use lipstick, have shiny tattoos and wear high heels, they basically encourage their sexual development and make it happen sooner. At the same time, they fail to provide her with a “user’s manual” and remain silent about topics like the vagina, the clitoris, the ovaries - all the things that give the essence of being a woman.
It depends on individual families when they start discussing nakedness and the difference between the male and female body, but one thing is for sure: all children talk about such things in kindergarten.
Boys are of course in a different position: for them, it is part of daily hygiene to “pull their penis up”. The pediatrician will also pay attention to possible phimosis and advise parents on how to avoid it. Later it depends on the family how they continue to discuss the topic. Whatever may be the case, it is very important to discuss sex with boys as well.
What’s the right thing to do?
It often happens that a child mentions her pussy in kindergarten and the nanny scolds the parents because she was ashamed to answer the question in front of the other children.
What should we do, if we want a different approach? How and when should we talk about sex with our children? The following list is a possible help, although sex education depends on children themselves and on how many siblings they have. It is not unusual for older siblings to start discussing such things with little ones before parents do.
Whatever we do, it’s important that we should always talk about such things gradually and use words that children understand.
3-5 years old: Let girls and boys bathe together. Don’t talk about shame or being shy. If they mention that they are different, just tell them that is indeed the case and it is natural.
6-7 years old: You can read books on the human body and examine your own bodies together. From this age on, you can also tell them how babies are “made”, how they grow in mum’s belly and how they are born.
8-10 years old: You may use the difference between girls and boys to explain its use in love, having a family, conceiving and giving birth to a child and raising them.
9-12 years old: It is worth preparing girls for menstruation and everything that comes with it, including buying hygienic products. Today there are pads designed especially for teenagers, buying them can be a great mother-and-daughter experience.
13-15 years old: It is time for detailed sex education. If we don't want to talk about it with our daughter, it is a good idea to organise a girls' party for her and her friends where an expert guest, like a gynaecologist can answer all their questions (even in email beforehand).
Taking things gradually will help the process become natural instead of scary or mysterious. It is also very important that the first encounter with sexuality and sex should happen in a safe environment with a positive emotional background. If „fucking” is the only word the child knows, it can have a long-lasting effect on the emotional side of their love life.
Classmates and friends are very important for every child at school. Parents should always discuss with the teacher when and how sexuality, protection and hygiene will be discussed in class. If the teacher does not feel prepared, it is worth inviting the school psychologist or another expert to class.
Good examples:
A mother – seeing the sexual development of her daughter – realised that she and a few of her friends will have their first periods much sooner then expected. She discussed it with the head teacher and the agreed on how she will prepare her daughter at home for the coming menstruation and hygienic changes that come with it.
Idelyn expert